


Loveless

by snchoerry



Series: Loona Chronicles [1]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Love, Other, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, chuu doesn't understand love, yvesoul is only mentioned, yyxy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:08:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24864319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snchoerry/pseuds/snchoerry
Summary: All her life Jiwoo was taught that her parents were in love and that people want what they have.But Jiwoo doesn't understand, why would someone want something as cold as that?
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul, Kim Jiwoo | Chuu/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Series: Loona Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1804306
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	Loveless

**Author's Note:**

> This story is kind of, well, a weird take on love I guess? Not the darker side, per se, more like the confusion for someone who was never given the soft love that some of us are lucky to have. This is first person so yeah, keep that in mind.
> 
> Warning: this is kind of a dive in how emotionally difficult it can be for someone who's been given a different kind of love in their life so this is kind of sad; beware
> 
> Enjoy reading :)

I don't like love. I don't hate it, either.

It's just there. An alien category left in the corner of a room to rot from old age. I never knew what it meant, what significance it held to be craved for; to be obsessed over time and time again. What's so special about something so abstract and intangible? What was so life changing about it that caused movies to chase for it endlessly; thirsting for the thrill of sheer excitement.

I never understood.

My parents were in love; or they _should_ be. They're married. They have golden rings wrapped around their fingers, reserved smiles for one another when presented in front of their relatives and whatever stereotype lovers should have. But behind doors, they're strangers. 

Is that love?

I was told often times how lucky I was to have parents who were the embodiment of a picturesque family. Rich, happy, all the more loving. I would only usually stare at them, confused when they would go on and on about how my parents were the beauty of what love was. That they were the couple that many thrived to become. 

_This, is love?_

Why would people chase for something as empty and desolate as this? My parents _loved_ each other but how so? 

They only married to cover the wounds of one another. To put a lazy band aid over their bleeding wounds of pure loneliness. They only had claimed their love for each other out of fear that their lives would go on without a single bit of joy in it; they thought that having each other would cover up the pain of being isolated. Their eyes express the regret. They express how utterly unhappy they are to be in such a place in their life. 

But they're in love. 

_Is this what people chase after?_

_How odd._

Should I chase after it too? Should I act like those who crave for the feeling of a lover's touch on my body? Should I pretend that love is something so joyful and fulfilling just like my classmates who gush over the most recent romance movie? Maybe so. My parents love each other.

But I don't want something like that.

********

"Sooyoung, can you shut up."

Hyejoo groaned, slamming her forehead onto the table. I could only stare and giggle at her, amused that she somehow was only able to call out the older girl on her endless rant now. "Jinsoul this, Jinsoul that. Do you have anything else to talk about?" She grunted.

"What can I say!" Sooyoung chuckled, "Jinsoul is my girlfriend, dude. You can't just let someone who's in love _not_ talk about it." She ruffling Hyejoo's roots, to which the younger girl only huffed at.

I looked at Sooyoung, studying her expression. She seemed happy. Her eyes were even pushed into mere crescents; it was genuine. 

"Hyejoo, you're only saying that cause you're still single." Gowon sighed, her eyes still trained on her phone screen. It makes one wonder how long she's been looking at her screen. Perhaps, since this morning?

Hyejoo, our youngest, rolled her eyes, "Yeah Yeah, I get it. But I'm not the only person who's single here! So is Jiwoo!" She pointed at me, her eyes filling with desperate need of support.

Considering my weak spot for this girl, I only nodded. She smiled softly at me and for a second I felt my heart lift from the heavy pressure of love; a topic so often talked about after Sooyoung got a girlfriend. 

"That reminds me." Gowon looked away from her phone and she met my eyes. How interesting. The girl who was usually left solemn and a little dull lighted held such a bright expression. Her usually accusatory eyes and glaringly piercing expression was softer than usually; it was gentle and warm. 

"Jiwoo unnie," She tucked her phone into her pockets, "How come you never talked about your own love life? We always talk about our own and you never share anything. I.." Gowon bashfully looked away, "..I kinda feel bad." She sighed, scratching the back of her neck. 

I was surprised. Usually Gowon was unbothered, brazen in a way that was admirable and not arrogantly annoying. But this was different, to us, at least. Maybe not to her partner who seemed to have been the stem of this sudden change of softness. I wouldn't say I didn't like it; I actually did. It was refreshing and adorable. But it was just so _strange_ to me. 

I shook my head, waving my hand at her, "Don't worry about it." A chuckle left my slightly chapped lips, "I don't mind listening to you guys! Plus, I haven't really found anyone yet-"

_And I don't think I want to._

"-so it doesn't really do anything for you guys if I talk about my boring love life." I smile at the three and they only stared at me with blank eyes. Almost as if they were studying my face and looking for, maybe, hesitance or slight reluctance to the topic. 

Do they know? I haven't told anyone about what I think about love. Why it was something so unnecessary to me; but why are they looking at me like that? I glanced at Sooyoung and she seemed to be the most skeptical of my front, possibly searching for an answer in my eyes for my lack of contribution. 

Hyejoo was the first to speak up, "I can only say the same." She shrugged and I could only mentally thank her for taking me out of that awkward position. It almost felt like I was forcibly placed on a hot seat, positioned in a way to prepare my mouth for questions I'm most afraid of hearing.

Gowon and Sooyoung soon let it go, finally drifting away from the topic and talking about school. From time to time the two taken girls would talk about their partners but only for a brief moment since it was pretty obvious that Hyejoo was starting to get antsy about the whole thing. As much as they loved to tease the youngest, they also understood how irritating it must have been for her.

Unlike Hyejoo, I don't feel like my skin was crawling with frustration every time Sooyoung or Gowon (mostly the former) talk about their partners. They were obviously happy; so it didn't bother me in a sense that I was tired of hearing their stories. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. It was interesting and fun to listen to. It was different from the usual snark or funny remarks someone would make in class.

But I was more so confused. 

Sooyoung talked about Jinsoul like she was the world's brightest star. Like she held the galaxies in her eyes or as if she was center of the universe. It would seem cliche and sickeningly sweet but all that the older girl said were genuine. There was without a doubt that Sooyoung was saying the truth, that she was truly _in love_. She was so _in love_ that I was afraid she'll even fall into a deeper hole where she would struggle to get out once it swallowed her; but then again, why would she want to leave? She was happy.

But, that's not the love I know of.

My father talked about my mother like she was the burning sun, like she was searing rays into his skin painstakingly slow and gradual. He didn't talk about her with pride and joy; he walked about her with monotonous eyes, glimmering every once and a while if the person he was talking to started to drift away from his conversation. My mother never held galaxies in her eyes, in fact, it was quite the opposite. They were devoid of true happiness; often masked with the pursuit of faking it rather than being real.

That's the love I know of. 

Gowon was different. She was quiet. Less vocal about her relationship, more so kept behind doors and preferred to keep her love life to herself rather than to share. However, there are times where she does and the three of them always listen intently since it's rare for her to do so. But that doesn't mean she hasn't changed. She may have not realized it, but I did. 

Gowon was the typical blissful princess - as others would like to call her - she was usually cold, icy and most of the times calculating. She can be mistaken to be rude but she really isn't; it's just who she is. She was straightforward, preferring to rather salt the wound rather than lazily cooing it with sweet words. 

But recently she was calm, gentle and warm. Gowon would watch her words rather than spew them out of spite or for the purpose of being quick. She would smile more, replacing her icy features with a more child-like grin, one that was endearing and cute. Obviously, if needed, Gowon would go back to being snarky and growl every once and a while but that was only when the situation pushed her. She seemed much more, full of light. 

Has her partner influenced her that much?

I wonder who it is. She never said their name.

Still, that isn't the love I knew of. 

My mother never refrained from throwing words of spite at my father even if the room was quiet. She would glare at him as he passes by, not missing the opportunity to click her tongue at his presence and walk away had he been in the same room as her. My father would ridicule her, muttering passive aggressive insults to add to the fire already burning in the middle of our home. 

That's the love I grew with.

What's the love that Sooyoung and Gowon have? Is that really love? Or maybe, that's something else? 

It's probably something else.

~

I don't exactly know why Sooyoung suddenly called me out to walk with her around the park but it was nostalgic. Almost like we were back to children running around the playground with dirt on our clothes and little scrapes on our kneecaps and legs. Well, this time we weren't like that but you get what I mean.

"Unnie?" I sit on the swings, pushing myself lightly. 

"Hm."

"Why did you call me out here?" I turned to her but she didn't turn to me. Her eyes were trained on the setting sun, watching the bright yellow ball dissolve into the sea of buildings and slowly descend into the horizon. It was melancholic.

"Jiwoo." She took a deep breath, almost like she's been hesitating for a while now. That's weird, Sooyoung never hesitates. Maybe her lover changed things. "Do you believe in love?" She turned to me, her eyes staring deep into my own and for a quick second I got lost in them.

_Love?_

"Yeah, I do." I answer, it was plain and simple. I didn't lie, I was saying the truth. I do believe that there's such a thing as idealistic as that. 

Sooyoung fully turned her body to me, twisting hers against the swings normal position. She anchored her foot into the ground and her fingers wrapped steadily around the metal chains. "You do?"

I nodded, though meekly. Her intensive gaze was making me shy. It was hard and pointed, almost like she didn't want to believe me. I forced myself to ignore the anxiety in my stomach and looked up, meeting the messy painting of the sky. Oranges and reds filled the darkening void, mushing together in a way that started to form colours that a sunset normally doesn't. Rays of the sun seeping beyond the horizon, desperately, to sing one last goodbye before going into yet another slumber. 

Sooyoung hummed, "That's weird."

"What do you mean?"

"I know you've never found someone yet and since we're still in high school, it's a bit early. Even I think it's early. I know I like to talk about how, in the near future, I'll marry Jinsoul and provide her with a life she deserves but hell, I don't even know if we'll last _that_ long." She chuckled, though bitterly. "But still. I've never seen someone avoid the topic as much as you do, Jiwoo. It's almost like it's taboo, like you forbade yourself from ever talking about it. Don't get me wrong though, I don't want you to force yourself to pretend you like something just for our sake, but I just hope.. we aren't offending you in some way. Gowon and I especially." Sooyoung smiled softly at me.

For a moment, I wished that Sooyoung was single.

"I don't mind." I smiled back, grabbing her hand and patting it for reassurance. "But I'm still kind of confused why you asked if I believe in love." I pull away, afraid that I'll be yearning for more had I kept holding onto her fingers.

Sooyoung chuckled, crossing her arms as she looked away, "Well, I guess it's because you never talk about the topic like _at all_. Hyejoo does so more than you do and that's surprising even to me."

I nod, knowingly. "It's not because I don't believe in it. It's more of, I don't know what to say." I shrug at the questioning look Sooyoung gives me; which makes sense. 

I didn't know what I was going to really say either. Is this really the time for me to explain to her about my whole confusion with Love, how the love I know is _way_ different than the ones they say they have? That maybe their love is wrong and that my parents have the true embodiment of love. 

Should I say that? That's what i've been told me whole life. 

"Are you confused?" Sooyoung turned to me again, with her full attention. For a short minute I foolishly hoped that she could draw herself closer.

I nod, slightly afraid that I'll say something I've been hiding for, well, forever. "You love Jinsoul right?" The words pulled at my heart and it scared me that it was even possible for that to happen.

Sooyoung wearily nodded, staring back at me with her undivided attention it started to distract my thoughts. It made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. "Is that really love?" I look down at my lap and from the side of my eye I can see her visible wince at the question. "I mean, isn't it called something else? Perhaps a different word. Maybe you and Gowon are just mixing it up with the word love?"

I slowly look up and meet her eyes, they were shaking. Almost with fury and my heart dropped. 

_Did I upset her? Crap. I shouldn't have said anything!_

I stand up, abruptly enough to kick Sooyoung out of the trance she seemed to be in. She stared at my figure and I was finding it incredibly difficult to find the right words to explain the dreadful feeling I felt. It was haunting, and it made me want to run away as fast as I could.

"I-I'm sorry for saying that. I-"

"Why would you think that?" Sooyoung stood up and her stature towered over me like the trees that stood amidst the darkness of the forest. She stared down at me like she was ready to kill it's prey, not to eat, but just to kill. She seemed angry; offended that I could say something like that. "Do you think I'm dating Jinsoul just for her body or something, Jiwoo? Do you think I'm shallow minded or that Gowon is just _using_ someone just for the fun of it? How could you-"

"It's not the love I know, ok!" I shout, and tears were threatening to leave my eyes. I absolutely despised how my walls could crumble in front of Sooyoung. How my strong upfront can topple once she confronts me with those surreal eyes. How Sooyoung had the capability to put an ease to my heart had things became a little to difficult to bear. Or how her voice could put a silence to the world if it had become too loud for my liking. 

"I-I've never seen that kind of love and I-I don't know what it is because it's not the love I've seen, or the love that people tell me about."

Sooyoung stepped back and her eyes softened.

I hate this feeling. I hate all of this. This is all to scary.

I hate her.

I don't want this.

"What love do you know?" She looked at me with guilt and maybe if I really stared into her eyes, I could see pity. But I didn't want to feel the pain that my heart was anxiously waiting for so I didn't bother keeping the eye contact. 

I looked down. "Why do you talk about Jinsoul like she- like she's everything to you. Like she created the whole world, like she's the sun. Why do you _always_ say that the world had become a brighter place ever since you met her? I don't get it. She's human. She- she's average. Like everyone else in this world but the way you talk about her, it- it's so different." I couldn't help the tears streaming down my face. I only took a mental note to never carry my head up high again. Especially when I'm around Sooyoung.

"Jiwoo." She reached her hand out, but kept it still when I flinched back. "I love her-"

"Then how come my parents aren't like that!" I looked up, finally meeting her eyes. I felt my mind enter this continuous haze after meeting Sooyoung's bright eyes. She looked sad. Confused. Guilty, even. 

My heart could only ache in realization. I shake myself out of it, "They look at each other for a minute and immediately, they look disgusted! They talk about each other with nothing but an empty voice, like-like they're reading off some kind of script! My whole life, people have told me that my parents are deeply in love, that they love each other unconditionally so why- why is _your_ love different? 

Why is it that Gowon changed to become someone who is gentle but my father was still the ruthless man he is. Why is it that even Hyejoo's eyes soften when she sees her crush walking in the halls when my mother could only glare at me and my father when she passes by?" I cried into the palm of my hands, foolishly believing that what I was saying was maybe just a nightmare in my sleep. That if I go home, my parents will greet me with warm smiles, open arms and possibly the beautiful words of _I love you_. But, that's not their love. That's not love. 

Love is cold. Drowning and isolating. It's terrifying and it locks you up in a cage where it refuses to release you from it's confinements. 

"That isn't the love everyone told me." I choked through my sobs, "My parents are in love. But they don't act like you, Gowon, or even Hyejoo. That isn't love. Tha-That isn't love Sooyoung. An-And I hate that I don't know what love really is. I hate that I can't even understand something as simple as that, or-or something so easy as that. I hate it, Sooyoung. I'm afraid of love, of what it really is. It's so confusing, I don't-" 

I felt arms wrap around my body, embracing me in warmth that was so unfamiliar to me. I stilled, my whole body freezing at the mere contact of having Sooyoung's body pressed against my own. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I couldn't tell why. Maybe I was going to collapse soon, maybe this whole thing was starting to become too much. 

Sooyoung's face dipped into my hair and I could feel her slightly tremble in her arms like she was crying. I refused to confirm it. The thought of her tear streaked face only caused me to feel even more pain than I already did. I stood still, letting her tighten her embrace while I basked in the warmth she unknowingly provided me with. 

"I'm sorry, Jiwoo." Is all she whispered, and slowly I could see my world crumble even more than it did. I could see how the walls started to scatter on the ground, lazily sitting there as if to mock me for my incompetence. 

I cried, a lot that evening. My heart settling for the empty pain of that continuous confusion. Sooyoung held me the entire time, rubbing my back soothingly but she didn't say anything. All she did was let me cry. Let me sob into her shoulder.

********

That was three years ago. 

When high school was the totem of all relationships and whatever nonsense us teens found worth our time. Sooyoung and I had stuck as friends, best friends for that matter. It was strange but comforting at the same time. Although we went to two different universities, we remained in contact for most of our time.

Hyejoo ended up going to the same university as me while Gowon had apparently moved to a totally different university abroad. It was a quick and simple farewell since she's suppose to come back this year.

A lot of time has passed since that day.

I wonder if Sooyoung still remembers that.

That reminds me.

Sooyoung and Jinsoul ended up going their separate ways but for the better. It wasn't a bitter ending where the two girls had grown to have grudges towards each other; just the mutual understanding that they weren't meant to be together like _that_.

How they came to that realization is still a mystery to me.

Albeit Hyejoo going to the same university as me, we're in different departments so we pursue different lifestyles. But I see her from time to time, whether it's with her friends or when she's on a solo hang out (a date but she likes to deny it) with this brunette. 

I couldn't help but be proud of her. 

Gowon, aside from being miles away, has managed to still talk with us from time to time. She's grown more mature over the years; still, she had the brazen aura, demanding attention wherever she goes and such. Gowon's still quite the softie whether she denies it or not. Maybe it's her partner from high school that enforced such a thing or maybe it wasn't; Gowon doesn't talk about her anymore.

"...woo?"

"Jiwoo?" A hand clasped my shoulder, kicking me out of my thoughts. I look away from Hyejoo's group of friends, smiling internally at how she held onto the brunette's hand tighter every time she would be teased. 

"Sorry, I was distracted." I chuckle, looking down at my plate of food, poking at the pieces of meat that was lazily scattered across the small container. 

For the first time in years my mother had decided to make me lunch. At first I feared their would be poison and avoided eating it but ending it up doing it anyway. It isn't bad, surprisingly. 

"Yeah I can tell. Do you like her or something?" I snap my head up to meet Yeji's eyes, completely taken back by the out of place question. I open my mouth to answer but close it when she does so instead, "I'm joking. I know how much you treat Hyejoo like your younger sister." Yeji chuckled, smiling back at me.

My heart beat quickened for a bit. I didn't like the feeling. 

"You know, you always meddle with my life. How come I never get to do that with you?" I pouted, crossing my arms as if to push Yeji into giving in. 

She was always reserved. She usually kept her personal life to herself; which makes sense because me too. But it's no mistake that she doesn't not grab attention wherever she goes. Yeji is probably hand crafted by the gods because she is the literal embodiment of all things beautiful. 

Yeji shrugged, shoving a hot dog into her mouth, "Because my life isn't as fun as you think Jiwoo. Besides, you're a lot more open than I am and sometimes, reading you is like reading a book." Yeji was always strikingly pretty. Her stature, her aura, everything about her called for attention and she didn't even have to ask for it. 

I slouch in my spot, pointing my eyes down. It kind of hurt. Being told that, that is. Sometimes I'd like to think I wasn't as obvious as a picture book laid out in the open for others to read but I know I'm the opposite. How else would Sooyoung be able to tell my confusion those three years ago? I kept it well-hidden, everything about my opinion, under the covers. But somehow she still caught on to it. 

Maybe it were my eyes or how I would divert my attention away from the topic. Thinking of it like that, I probably am easy to read.

I felt a warm palm fall on my hand, and I almost flinched back at the feeling of shivers shooting up my spine. I hope it's because the cafeteria is cold. "But you're still unique, Jiwoo."

I look and meet Yeji's eyes. They shot uncertainty through my whole body and I wanted to run away. Her gaze made me feel something different. It made me feel like I was looking at Sooyoung again that day. But Yeji's eyes were something else. Those piercing gray eyes were distinct; it held a certain gloom to it. Something that was so indecipherable it made you want to know more. 

_I want to look away_.

"Everything about you is so different and eccentric, you make me always want to stay with you!" Yeji chuckled, it was softer than Sooyoung's boisterous laughter. But it made my lungs take in a bit too much air. "Sorry, I must've offended you when I said I could read you. I actually can't most of the time since you're just unpredictable sometimes. Which I love too."

My body stilled at that word. 

I could only stare at her and when she met my eyes for a quick second, I felt as if I was just winded. My breath greedily stolen from my body. It was just like Sooyoung those three years ago. How my heart would crumble at the sight of her. How my hand would tremble with excitement when we hold hands; just like how Yeji would suddenly grab mine out of the blue. How there was the sun in Sooyoung's eyes; there was the moon in Yeji's. Both of them had such an effect on me.

 _I hate it_.

"Baby!" A deep voice rang through my ears and by the familiarity of it, I instantly pointed my head down. Afraid that I would be caught staring too much. "Sorry I was late, Yuna just _really_ wanted to get ice cream and she wouldn't shut up about it."

Yeji's laugh sang in my ears again. It hurt me. "Well she did recently break up with her boyfriend. Give her a break, you know it's her first relationship."

Lia chuckled, "I know and I do feel bad for her. But their relationship was only 3 months long; it makes me think that she's grieving over the loss of social status more than losing her actual boyfriend." Her quiet giggle made a smile form on Yeji's cheeks, a warm grin gracing her features like never before.

 _I don't like it_.

"Oh, Jiwoo!" Lia turned to me, a cheeky smile plastered on her face, "Yuna says hi by the way." 

Lia was pretty and Yeji liked her. They were actually dating. 

"Tell her I say hi too." I return a smile and when I glance at Yeji, all I saw was admiration for the girl standing beside her. Her eyes filling with the same softness that Gowon or Hyejoo had when they looked at their partners. 

_Yeji was like everyone else._

"Ah, we have to go. You sure you don't wanna come with Jiwoo?" Yeji stood up, slinging her bag over her broad shoulders. She was wearing a fitting leather jacket and I couldn't help but admire how good it looked on her. 

I shake my head and they only shrug at one another. Prompting me again to join their little hang out but deep inside they probably didn't want me to go. It was their date, and I would be the third wheel. Third wheel to, _whatever_ they had. 

Yeji and Lia walk away, hand in hand. They were smiling at each other, talking their mouths off with whatever happened; whether it's small or life changing, it never mattered. 

It was the same thing. Yeji changed when Lia came into her life. She became a brooding university student to someone who started to look forward to her everyday life on campus. Her whole aura gave off this bright energy, something that was new and, yet again, kind of refreshing. She was _in love_ as many would like to say it. (Whipped works too.) But nevertheless, I knew my hopes were going to plummet anyways.

Yeji was no different from everyone else. She, too, craved the love that Sooyoung once had. The love that Gowon had or Hyejoo has. 

And here I foolishly thought I wasn't alone. 

Ever since that day with Sooyoung, I decided never to dwell on the subject again. Choosing to avoid that conversation like it was plague. There are times where people would run after me, telling how much they wanted to experience their first chance at that with me but I couldn't. I couldn't give them that false sense of hope. And I just didn't want to be in love.

I still don't understand it and my parents hadn't change for years. Maybe when I was a mere teen I hoped that maybe my parents will start acting like what love is apparently _supposed_ to be between two people but, obviously, I was naive and stupid. Maybe I still am.

Love is still the same thing to me.

It's freezing cold. Depressing and sad. I don't want anything to do with it.

********

  
_That was one year ago and nothing has changed_. 

"So this is our project huh." 

"Yeah, I guess so." I smiled, sitting down in front of Jungeun. She was pretty and had quite a different build to her. Jungeun was in the same department as me and currently, my partner in this project.

"So should we get started on this project or are you going to keep staring at me?" She raised an eyebrow, no reluctance in her voice whatsoever. I blinked and nodded, muttering an apology to which she only shrugged at. Jungeun's attitude almost reminded me of Gowon. How confident she was in her words and didn't bother beating around the bush.

I typed away on my laptop, listening to the keys bounce against my ears and ring quietly in the library. It was nearing noon yet the library was as packed as usual. Maybe because exams were coming up (ignoring the couple that was making out in the corner of course). 

There was this project that we had for psychology. It was mostly subjective and asked for a lot of opinions, which I was fine with had it not been for one question that had been daunting me my whole life. 

_How does someone's environment dictate their view on love or lust?_

_To you, what does love mean?_

I mentally cursed at my professor. What does this have to do with psychology? Well the first question made sense but what's with the second? We aren't in grade school where we would mindlessly write about cheesy, made-up knowledge to answer that question, so why the hell is it on here. 

"I have no idea how to answer that either." Jungeun's voice interrupted my train of thought, making me meet her eyes. They were dull and exhausted. 

I switched between her and the question, wondering if she was talking about what I was thinking. Guessing my way through, I shrug, "I mean it's simple right? Love is.." I find myself struggling to find the words to explain it. I don't know it either. But I don't want to seem stupid in front of my partner, right? 

Jungeun only chuckles, "Love is stupid and reckless, that's what it is. Don't tell me you were going to say it was cute and beautiful." I only stare at her, ultimately surprise that her view was something I've never heard of before. She continues, "Miss me with that sappy shit. Love makes us do crazy things and, ultimately, it's difficult." Jungeun smiles at me, it was playful and kind of mocking. 

_Stupid and Reckless._

My whole life, people told me that love was beautiful. That it was a dream come true had you ever experience something like that. Love was what brought people to life, gave them the sense of purpose and reason to keep running for the stars; an endless spiral. Everyone told me that my parents were just like that. That they were the epitome of love; they were what people craved to have once in their life. 

But that was never true, it wasn't pretty. God no. It was ugly, draining and sad.

Their love was littered with endless spite; insults left and right, yelling and screaming from different corners of the house until one of them just gives up and leaves for the night. I was confused. I still am. People, Sooyoung and even Yeji showed me that love was soft and caring. It was warm and comforting. Love was something that made your heart lift and helped ease the pain in your heart; no it wasn't. Love isn't like that. At least, not that I know of.

"Fine. Since I said my answer, tell me yours." Jungeun closed her laptop, leaning forward with her chin placed on the back of her hands. She stared into my eyes and they sparked with interest rather than the same dull expression. "You know, tit for tat?" She giggled.

I blushed at her choice of words.

"C'mon it's unfair if I said my answer only, right?" Jungeun chuckled, "I won't judge you, promise." 

I stared into her eyes. Looking for the same excited expression people get when they talk about such a thing but there was nothing there. There was only the curiosity of my answer, seeking the answers that she was willing to listen to. I didn't want to upset her like Sooyoung was when I told her. I wouldn't want Jungeun to cry out of pity because my knowledge is, apparently, nowhere the true meaning of it. 

I was debating whether or not to say the truth. Maybe I should just lie and say something sappy and greasy. _Love is cute, warm and comforting in my opinion_. Just the thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. That's a lie. 

Jungeun's eyes were anything but soft. They were pressing - pushing me to answer. Brazen, in a way. 

I quite liked it.

"Love is cold." I begin. "It's hurtful and-and sad. I don't like it, at all. I don't even understand why people like it so much. It isolates you from the chance at real happiness, it doesn't give you any freedom. If anything, it just chains you to this status of-of the sake of being in love. Everyone one runs towards it but I-I'm to scared to even get closer." 

I stop and slowly meet Jungeun's eyes. They were hard to read, mixed of emotions I didn't bother wanting to discover. She only stared at me, blinking every once and a while, as though to fully process things. I wanted to apologize for possibly hurting her feelings or offending her. As much as I liked hearing Jungeun say that love was stupid; deep inside she probably still craved for it. She was probably like everyone else.

"Sorr-"

"Hey, Jiwoo." Jungeun grabbed my hand. And I felt electricity bolt across my body. But I didn't flinch away. "Wanna go get something to drink?" 

"Um, sure."

~

"I never met someone like you." 

I sigh, looking away. _Of course you haven't. Apparently no one has._ I wanted to say but refrained from doing so. I really didn't want to offend Jungeun more than I probably already have. 

"I don't agree with you." Jungeun glanced at the window and I was met with her side profile. Have I mentioned that she's really pretty? "But I don't disagree with you, either."

I blink at her, surprised. Sooyoung was really the only one who knew of my inner turmoil but she never really understood it. Sure she said she did but I'm pretty sure it was only to ease the pain of confusion in my heart. Deep down I knew but when I was younger I wanted to not entertain my sense of loneliness so I played along. 

I guess, it's just surprising to see someone who seemed to share the same sentiment.

Jungeun didn't look offended. Maybe a little down but it's better than being angry at me overall. "You're the first person to say that." I mutter.

She chuckles, "I'm not surprised. Love is seen as the hero of a lot of things. Which makes sense; movies always show it as some kind of salvation for the main character. In a tight bind or possibly-going-to-die-situation? Leave it to the protagonist's lover to save them with words or a kiss." Jungeun turns to me, a playful manner in her eyes. I couldn't help but laugh along. 

"That's true."

"You're right. Love can be sad and contrary to popular belief, it can be completely destructive if you find the wrong kind." Jungeun sighed, leaning on the palm of her hand, stirring her coffee.

She's a laid back person. Her eyes didn't demand immediate attention but there was something to her that politely asked for it. Jungeun wasn't like Sooyoung who was outwardly loud and confident, she seemed more subtle and calm. Jungeun wasn't like Yeji who intimidated the shit out of people with her eyes, her eyes more so seemed softer than it should be. Jungeun was odd but alluring in a way that was discreet.

I liked it.

"But that doesn't mean I completely agree with you." Jungeun smiled at me, turning her head to put her attention on me. I found myself feeling honored and shy to be met with such eyes. I couldn't look away. "Love is hard to understand. There are so many things to it that just seem, too much. It's difficult and complex, and broad. It varies for everyone."

I stare at her. Her eyes were so alluring. It was difficult to look away.

"Love can make someone talk about it endlessly. It can make them boast about who they love, always making them speak about it. You can't blame them, that's just how they show their love. They can talk about it like it's the best thing to happen to them, and maybe it is." Jungeun chuckled, adding a small addition of how she thinks those kind of people are kind of disgustingly extra but still, it was sweet.

_That's just like how Sooyoung talked about Jinsoul._

"Or Love can be subtle. Someone can show their love by just looking at the person, and you can really tell most of the times. They look at that person like they made the stars, as if the world was standing in front of them; which in most cases, it's true. To you, you can be just one of the million people on this planet but for someone else you can be _their_ one in a million." Jungeun smiled, shrugging as she explained. 

_Just like how Yeji looked at Lia._

"So you're saying, Love is different? That it's not just one thing?" I look at her, holding my cup steady in my hands. 

But I thought there was only one meaning to love, one way, one answer.

Jungeun nodded, "I'm not an expert, but yeah. Jiwoo, you said you were scared of it and didn't understand it and that's ok. To be honest, me too but it's ok to look for it. It's ok for you to explore it."

I pointed my eyes down at my cup, "The love I know is cold. I don't want to experience that." I feel Jungeun's warm hands place over my own and my heart beats out of my chest just like the last time Yeji had touched my hand. Which, thinking about it now, was quite some time ago. But this time, I didn't pull away out of fear. It just stayed still, under Jungeun's palm.

"I know. But change is inevitable and you just have to let it enter your life." Jungeun chuckled, her fingers curling around my palm. "Love is scary, as with many things. It's a roller coaster of emotions but sometimes it's worth it. Really worth it. Love isn't always cold, sometimes, it's like spring." She smiled at me.

I like her smile.

Jungeun let go and a part - no, most of me - missed the warmth and wanted to pull her back. "Shoot, it's getting late. We should probably get going soon. How about we just walk around for a bit?" She stuffed her things into her bag, closing it tight and passing a bill to the waiter who zoomed pass by. 

I grab her sleeve, "Jungeun?"

She looks back at me and there it was, the certain softness in her eyes. A spark of concern and interest that was so enticing I couldn't help but feel my knees go weak. I found myself not looking away, not fearing the meaning of behind it all. The way my fingers grazed against her own didn't electrocute me in a way that I wanted to run. I was scared of this, but I wanted to keep going. To explore my confusion. And maybe, just maybe, Love isn't all that cold.

Especially not when Jungeun looked at me like that.

_"Can you be the one to teach me what love means?"_

**Author's Note:**

> Stay safe and healthy ya'll!
> 
> (peep me @/yejiichu on twitter)


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